2003-09-13 - 11:30 p.m.
Vulnerability
Hello...I guess I haven't been blogging for a super long time except to post stupid emails which I wish to add is because I want to remember them? Oh well, tts a super lame excuse..
Had an okay day today... I really am lost as what to do... something tells me to give up although I don't have a strong reason why and the other half says no... cmon u r not him..and u r progressing.. oh well.
I am just scared...
1) Being too bold that I scare him
2) Fear of rejection
3) Fear of being found out
4) Fear of not being able to accept
Sounds lame?.. But Jasmine Lim had a msn nick: Have u ever denied ur feelings for someone bcoz ur fear of rejection was too hard to handle? I have...stupid? Some say yes but I think not.. Sighz!
I dun wanna say anymore.. but seriously I really like him so much that I am willing to let him go? :'( Sighz...What kind of logic is tt? Oh well... My son as in wan song says I shuld not say anything.. he is speaking just like my mum. He says if he likes u he will come after u... tt is provided he gets the hint.. and I dun think he might get? Brig agrees he is dense..(I'm taking a long time cos I am uploading pics onto the net...)
And like hooray! It is Friday! (This is being continued on Saturday night…)…was talking to Russell… he was asking me about…then we had a great convo…nothing clicks people more than their differences.. except he likes my fren and I like his fren.. sheesh…Actually our worlds would never have met if we didn’t get associated like tt… so it really is just fate.. oh well but Russell is a nice guy no question about it.. haha and we just have to trust each other… Here is one part of the convo I had with him…
9/12/2003 9:53:59 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! btw
9/12/2003 9:54:06 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! u do realise that hw suspects......
9/12/2003 9:54:36 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com he asked u?
9/12/2003 9:54:40 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! no
9/12/2003 9:54:46 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com then?
9/12/2003 9:54:48 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! but rather obvious......
9/12/2003 9:55:05 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com am i?
9/12/2003 9:55:07 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! as in its obvious that he suspects
9/12/2003 9:55:28 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! cause b4 i knew u liked him.....
9/12/2003 9:55:34 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com yea?
9/12/2003 9:55:42 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! i would make fun of him and u when he made fun of me and claire
9/12/2003 9:55:49 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! then he gives me that look......
9/12/2003 9:55:52 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com x_X
9/12/2003 9:56:02 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com why would u make fun of him and me?
9/12/2003 9:56:02 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! which he reserves only when he is very serious,.....
9/12/2003 9:56:16 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! cause u r claires friend
9/12/2003 9:56:33 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! and since he made fun of me and claire i made fun of him and u...
9/12/2003 9:56:39 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! sorry about that then
9/12/2003 9:56:47 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com and why would u tease hw and claire's fren?...i see...and wat serious look did he gif?...
9/12/2003 9:57:25 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! the one he reserves for his"i m not kidding"
9/12/2003 9:58:16 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! it was really serious
9/12/2003 9:58:22 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! then he recovered quickly
9/12/2003 9:58:32 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! and after that i never linked u and him again
9/12/2003 9:58:38 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! especially not now
I was kind of sad after tt…hahah my di thought I was going to be suicidal?..Lolx! I won’t die for a guy..hello? But I was kinda of feeling uprooted.. oopx… is tt the word to use.. haix… I was already feeling quite sad over him.. like since the day before? This means Thursday.. a lot of stuff happened then too..but I won’t say
I think I am becoming too obvious so I am sort of backing down? Not because I don’t like him enough.. I like him too much that I don’t wanna scare him.. besides I am pretty much sure he isn’t interested and yes, I have no hope…
9/12/2003 10:22:08 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com hahahaz...... i koe i koe.. i'm more like i have no hope..u still haven't done yet
9/12/2003 10:22:28 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! no hope???
9/12/2003 10:22:31 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! r u sure?
9/12/2003 10:22:37 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com y not?
9/12/2003 10:23:06 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com as in u sound like
9/12/2003 10:23:24 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! well......until now i still dunno who hw actually likes
But my mum… I think she is beginning to accept homework.. ermz..she kinda of have been advising me since Mi-Autumn festival? Yeah..and yesterday she said how come u going home so early? Homework not staying back ah? *pengz* I was like MUM! -_-! And as mentioned in Char’s blog, we left weiyang to stand at the bus stop and my mum waved to him? I said what did u do tt for?..She said to make him nervous.. Geez! I can’t imagine my mum being the same age as me.. like guys will be flocking to her…wow! 0.o and I finally knew how my mum and dad got together..
Hee hee… kinda of hoped he will come to school and study…he did..and he studied outside the lts there..right at the end.. and I said hi to him first time when I walked past with Geraldine.. and I went to MOS with Gera and pang sehed her! I am so sorry gera! Realli I am… is just that I met my IJ friends Sheena and Bridgette.. and I was updating them? Hahah they are doing very well with their bfs…didn’t koe it was a two-way thing for Brig and her bf.. hahah it like seems so possible now tt u view it but last time, it was agonising! So diaoz! Walked back to sch… met Kai Quan and talked to him.. the whole entire way. I like talking to Kai Quan! He is so funny and nice hahahaz… and so English-ed! Its kinda of like reminding me how to speak English and the way he calls me has this funny accent that makes my name sound stupid but hahah I just rebut back with an extra high note on Kai.. oh well.. then studied in the lib and finished maths tutorials for lee bee cheow..the ones I promised to submit on Monday.. later dragged char and weiyang from outside audi to study outside LT..hahah and we wanted to sit far away but weiyang picked two tables away! I was like oh no! and char made me sit facing him? Thanks ah! And we didn’t even talk… then Homework was talking to himself..trying his best to combat Fmaths problems and weiyang was like do u hear something? I was trying not to giggle… he said sounded like a handphone vibration.. at tt point in time, char caught on. Then he looked behind and said I think it comes from behind.. I was smiling and saying is it? I didn’t hear anything… LOLX! And Homework looked so cute in one point when he was so happy he solved his maths… Then he got up to go home at about 5.30? And I was like char help me say bye..help me say bye.. and we were getting so tensed. I couldn’t study anymore..and we were like hearts beating except mine was worst than char and when he walked past, char said hey going home already ah? Then he looked up said yeah and we both said bye and he replied.. and by tt time, char didn’t asked him if he wanted Pringles.. and weiyang was like u mean u koe tt guy? I was like yea why? He was like ok..why didn’t u go over? Hahaz… he was like so lost and so blur.. I just hinted until he got it.. even then he took like 15 mins? 0.o.. I don’t wanna say anything.. lolx..then went home.. feeling funny.. like I should give up homework.. Haix! I well… fill in the blankz..
Then talked to Sheena..more like she found me..Thanks sheena.. lets hope ur intuition is not wrong this time.. although it is not unlikely it will fail…hahaz
9/12/2003 10:20:22 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! hey vic.... heh i finally understand just how much you like hw...
9/12/2003 10:20:34 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! na y?
9/12/2003 10:22:16 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! ermm... cos of the way u spoke bout him today i guess... hehe... can understand how you feel la
9/12/2003 10:23:19 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! na hahahaz........ haix...realli?
9/12/2003 10:24:14 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! yupz... me really crazy over nigel too... but our situations are diff i know... but its the same lovesick feeling hehe
9/12/2003 10:24:56 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! na haix..... sad
9/12/2003 10:26:45 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! haiz... dont worry my dear...
9/12/2003 10:26:58 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! he'll fall for you real soon trust me
9/12/2003 10:27:10 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! you're so chio n such a great girl...
9/12/2003 10:27:14 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! na ermz....rus says tt it is obvious hw suspets i like him?
9/12/2003 10:27:15 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! i'm serious
9/12/2003 10:27:21 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! na not chio not great quite stupid
9/12/2003 10:27:28 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! NOOOOOOOOOOO
9/12/2003 10:27:44 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! na yes!
9/12/2003 10:27:54 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! vic dear... you really are a very special girl k... any guy wld be lucky to have you
9/12/2003 10:28:02 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! trust me
9/12/2003 10:28:09 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! ;)
9/12/2003 10:28:24 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! na 8-)...speak for urself sheea
9/12/2003 10:28:32 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! na nigel is super damn lucky to have u
9/12/2003 10:28:35 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! hw better realize how lucky he is else i'll... strangle him for you... heh
Oh yea…and tt is sheena’s reaction when I told her abt what hw did.. to rus
9/12/2003 10:34:22 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! but he didnt say anything like "please la i dont like her" so its a good sign right?
9/12/2003 10:35:05 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! na yea...but he had a serious face... which i supposed was like dun u dare tease me abt her
9/12/2003 10:35:14 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! na then rus says hw might suspect i like him
9/12/2003 10:35:46 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! tt's good!
9/12/2003 10:36:08 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! it might mean tt he likes you a little too n he doesnt want to be teased abt it
And here is what sheena thinks
9/12/2003 10:36:59 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! but i get a good feeling... much better than tt voldy guy haha
9/12/2003 10:37:25 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! na y do u get a good feeling?...
9/12/2003 10:38:04 PM na DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! intuition my friend... haha.... i had a good feeling bout brig n jayce too... n look at them now... hehe
And with my continued convo with Russell
/12/2003 10:54:43 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! u just have to be able to engage in intelligent conversation with him.....
9/12/2003 10:54:50 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! and for u that shld be a piece of cake
9/12/2003 10:55:12 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com intelligent convo?....why shuld tt be a piece of cake for me?...but he doesn't tok to girls in his class much?
9/12/2003 10:55:22 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! haha
9/12/2003 10:55:33 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! cause if i m correct he hates the stuff they talk about
9/12/2003 10:55:49 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com what do they tok about?
9/12/2003 10:55:52 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! he likes to talk about science and stuff
9/12/2003 10:55:57 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! u noe....how things work
9/12/2003 10:56:13 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! he loves to explore how exactly things come about
9/12/2003 10:56:37 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com right... and i ask him about sch...u and claire..stupid things..like his work...soccer..computer games
9/12/2003 10:56:40 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com right... excellent
9/12/2003 10:56:46 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! ummm
9/12/2003 10:56:50 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! if u dare.....
9/12/2003 10:56:57 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! try more chim stuff
9/12/2003 10:57:20 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! he's one of the top three intelligent ppl in my calss
9/12/2003 10:57:53 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com i see...hahah just dun wanna make a fool of myself..he doesn't like history right?...military stuff?
9/12/2003 10:58:36 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! try try
9/12/2003 10:58:38 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! he does
9/12/2003 10:58:48 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! anything he doesn't noe fascinates him
Hmz, I think Russell thinks he owes me one…he keeps helping me?
9/12/2003 11:01:29 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! i just very curious to y hw has that x-factor
9/12/2003 11:01:38 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com x-facor?....lols
9/12/2003 11:01:41 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com erm erm...
9/12/2003 11:01:43 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! ya
9/12/2003 11:02:02 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! he's like those super cool characters in sory books
9/12/2003 11:02:19 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com issit?....
9/12/2003 11:02:24 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com nv saw him in tt way
9/12/2003 11:02:25 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! blessed with intelligence and so dao yet very appealing to the opposite sex lol
9/12/2003 11:02:28 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! haha
9/12/2003 11:02:40 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com LOLX......ermz... haha?
9/12/2003 11:03:13 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com dunno...just found him kind of mysterious... eh.. dunno how to say
9/12/2003 11:03:18 PM DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! starnaru@hotmail.com was just drawn to him
9/12/2003 11:03:27 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! see
9/12/2003 11:03:29 PM starnaru@hotmail.com DyNam|cs: Heil Rommel! x-factor
Lolx….wonderful… nice way of asking eh.. hahah! U all never really knew what happened right? Hahah! Only a selected few know but u all won’t remember.. oh well.. that’s Life.. Was still feeling sad..
Anyway today Saturday has council physical training at 7.45..I was the third person to arrive at 7.40? And wow! Only 6 pple came.. All of them have attitude problem.. Mak didn’t come too cos he got some cousin celebration.. the rest? I have no idea..anyway played carom first with weiyang..I was so tyco! 0.o! its like I improved tremendously..but maybe it is because of the board! It is so nice, new and smooth and only for council! LOLX! It really is very good to play on. Then went to play basketball with Chun Chi and Weiyang and Claire.. I am not good…all of them are like so good. And chun chi was so funny! He sat down and said he needed to calculate the air density, wind speed, air resistance etc then can calculate projectile motion with x-distance and y-distance.. haha! So funny.. I think they r like one of the nicest guys in council.. the other went to run round the track! 0.o! Siao! I just stayed in one spot throwing hoops.. Then tts all.. haha sooo lazy! Then had open house meeting..and Joel had to come specially with it..and we crapped a lot.. And tt miss Siau wants open house to end at 2pm! Is she mad? Which retarded school does that? Hello.. I bet they hate students who are fun..they want to attract those nerds who r quiet and keep their mouths shut.. tt stupid VP loves them no wonder she hates us and keeps not doing anything for AJ..and she wanted Charles to cut off his side burns yesterday with a scissors? Is she insane? Stupid admin! Anyway we played carom after that again.. and yea Joel is sick..lolx We went to Mos to eat lunch..pls dun say again to me.. and he ate two cheese burgers and felt fascinated by my seafood kiakage burger..anyway I was quite sad and feeling funny cos when we walked to the bus stop outside school we met Homework and Claire helped me say hello.. he came at about 1? Yeah..I said hello too! But anyway, Li Hui said why so sad? A guy confessed he liked u? And then joel asked me have u ever been in a relationship b4? I was so surprised by his qn! I said no..do I look like? He said no..then does he look like? I said no..lolx..what kind of convo was tt?
Anyway was smsing Cheng Keat and he told me something which kind of shocked me…. He said there was senior who liked me.. erm! I was like.. errr….kk…. I guessed who but I sorta of don’t believe.. I think he was just speculating.. and he said I was his top 3 girls.. right, I feel very rated.. and CK said am I going to give him a chance? Claire came up with good advice say Ermz.. I like him as a fren but since things are this way, just let nature take its course… Haix.. He is a nice guy.. but I never believed..and good grief! I acted so childishly in front of him.. like wow! And during council, Li Hui said Secretary com becoming more like the CCAC cos they r the scandal com where they makes scandals.. and she said hey I think got two potential council couple.. then she said Claire and Chun Chi and I and WEI YANG! I think Li Hui really ermz…bored lor..she said we all quite pei and like quite close? I think her eyesight got problem.. oh well.. Let her be happy so as to keep up with scandal com..she got her guy lor.. no need to matchmake others..
Yeah…what a hectic day! Like got involved in a scandal by being hooked up, realised something and contemplating about Homework..
Haha… and my parents drove me home.. and yeah I told my mum about how I’m feeling abt homework sad..and what rus told me yesterday.. and she was like well maybe he just wanna concentrate on his studies and get over his promos first and who knows? Maybe it will develop after tt.. I heard a deep intake of breath from my dad but my mum continued.. she was like maybe he acted like that because he doesn’t want others to know and tease him about him.. she was like u koe how guys r when they are very shy.. maybe he wants to keep it a secret and dun wanna let the world koe.. haha! I wish! But my mum is really comforting..haix.. dun gif hope yet comfort! She’s really good and she cited people who r like tt : Uncle Kwok Boon and Sheng Jie..hahah like father like son.. oh well..
But Rus told Claire tt homework is not intersted.. Claire says she don’t think so cos rus doesn’t know what he is talking about..and I asked Claire if I shuld let him go..then Claire said ermz..I think u shuld let him koe.. argh! I don’t want I don’t want.. this is so much deeper than Voldermort!
I just went home and slept it away.. but it comes back like it does everyday…