2004-03-18 - 4:08 a.m.
Godspeed as I miss you from closed windows
Hmz.. I wonder whats it like to have all the money in the world..okay fine seriously speaking, at least be wealthy.. you know those pple who are like living in our midst and really rich.. (hey I'm not one of them..I got two other siblings..n u koe how costly it is to raise children in S'pore).. their parents have high status and spoil them.. or rather provided their every need... even tho they might not realise it, but they have the power and MONEY is POWER. And they come up and say Why do you conform to society? I just realised.. we other not so richly endowed pple have no power not to conform to society.. or rather it isn't easy.. So pple just take the easy way out of going together with the flow.. the rest of us fools struggle and delusion ourselves.. when actually all we do is live a Lie cos money is power.. and we have no power..
to transform things the way we want..
Funny thing.
I always wanted to go overseas to study.. reading those Enid Blyton books on Mallory Towers, St Clair's, The Naughtiest Girl.. and live in a boarding house..and be strangely independent, rather than rely entirely on my parents.. well the finances must come from them..experience the different weather.. and like how many can enjoy that? Why is it that in this One Life... pple get to go..even tho they might not want? While those who want it can't get it? The best excuse is well, look at your own bowl rather than others... it could be worse.. courtesy of Emerson.. hmz.. but it will help if those who can afford it would not rub it in.. but then again, who am I to say? Its like wasted
I'm wasting my Life away, highly delusional.. so my Life seems so empty where my dreams have been sucked dry by conformity...Swirling masses.. that beams into dark portals of my mind...
So the only thing I realise I might be able to do and travel.. and stay far from SINGAPORE... is to perhaps work for some magazine.. but not ST! Nothing to do with Singapore pls..and I'm sick of four walls forever surrounding me.. but Damn! I should have stuck it out with Biology and Chemistry so I can take Zoology..have those wildlife trips..but hey I can settle for history... but how on earth do people apply to write articles for National Geographic? Is this even what scope I want? My mum says I'm damned wasted to have lost my dreams..of being an engineer.. buzz off! My A*star stint scared me off..science isn't really my field.. except for animals.. but then again..who knows? If I read other articles..i realised my English is nowhere..
Strange to lose the power of one's English in JC.. Mickey makes fools out of everyone.. such genius..I feel more stupider in JC than I've ever been.. so much so I skulk the earth rather than my head touching clouds..
Maybe I might wanna go NS next year...wahahaz! Become an officer... hey at least I might achieve this little childhood dream of mine.. but being bonded to the Army is no joke.. tho the status is cool...and I'm taking the path less trodden.. but then again..I hate being tied down.. Whiny ain't I? Everything must have no strings attached...
yeah yeah.. I am big and of great importance.. I wield the money.. bow to me... -_-
I will never ever join council again.. might take up publications.. at least I had a well-rounded CCA life.. Pri sch was a brownie; sec sch was in tennis n robotics; jc was in student's council n choir...covered everything liao.. if I ever go Uni then most prob join Publications.. But so what if I tried it all?... hahah! i always wondered how Life would be different if I got the UWC scholarship and brought to study in Norway.. i mean like wow! My passport to studying in USA is set...I always wondered why I flunked that interview.. but God has other plans...
perhaps. Faith plays a strong part here... that its so freaky..
And I wondered whats it like just to spend the whole of eternity with Emerson.. just two of us, walking the face of the earth with no strings attached..walking into the horizon.. walking on the moon path..hand in hand.. i wonder..with nary a twinge of regret, with nary a twinge of guilt, just both of us facing tomorrow together... whether be it there are others ard us or what, but just both of us looking at each other while we embody the earth.. I never believed the Earth to be cruel.. tho we have disasters but those are punishments.. Walking and embracing the Earth with Emerson.. I love you Russell Will Lin Yan Shan... and I will miss you as you embark on your PSA hike.. Godspeed