2004-05-16 - 5:25 p.m.
Just kill me... with all the tears I'm trying to hide.. Just kill me
I am thinking... but in a negative way... brooding? Perhaps..I am so sad, sad that it hurts me to think.. to even lift my head and ponder.. Do you think it is a simple task? Even the knifing of myself is easier.. removing my heart is easier than this torment I am going through...
I can hear Despair cackling behind
Misery whooping in jamboree
Confusion encircling me
While shadows I see are of Despondency
I know what i want.. but the things you do awaken me to the fact.. You make me so happy yet you hurt me.. you tear me down and build me up.. what can I do? I bleed inside.. with each day I try to hide... with people telling me... with my emotions thrashed and broken.. I do love you... its killing me not to say it.. but yet you still hurt me.. by little things you do.. I suppose you also get sick of the little things I do.. I wonder how can you be so thoughtless and thoughtful at the same time?
Sometimes you just engulf me.. sometimes I think you take me for granted.. and I hate it when you assume I have no freedom.. I do envy your freedom..all the things you can do.. but I hate it when you think I can't do this or that because I have no freedom.. no social life. I feel like I just got passed over.. and we both have different definitions for spending time together.. yours is everytime you see me.. its spending time.. mine is if we can just be alone with no worries and stress and well for the whole time.. thats spending time. We do differ quite abit there. But I do know something..its killing me if I try not to love you anymore. Dissatisfaction... why? Why is there nothing new about Life? Why?
But no.
We have the choice if we want to make it exciting.. we have the choice... whether we want to work this out.. I am sorry for all the pain i caused you.. are you sorry too?
I don't want to assume.. I think assumptions are the worst things..we are alike.. but it depends on how you see it.. it isn't always good to be alike cos then we will conflict.. its best to be complementary..sigh.. I wish all this will disappear but they have been stirred from the swirling darkness and will take some time to settle like residue again...I wish we can eliminate them...
And I do love you.. as I always will.. whether we are together or not.. whether you hurt me or make me happy.. whether you are there for me or not... I do love you... and it is killing me just to know that...