Monday, Jul. 19, 2004 - 4:14 a.m.
Contemptable Disgust
Darkness engulfs the room, sending shadows into the twilight. The air is beguiling and coolness encompasses the body. The eaves whisper and shudder momentarily as they sense a waking.
The whites of the eyes were first seen as the body stirred from its ethereal slumber and suddenly, a jerking motion halted the air in its tracks as it was quickly taken in. Only to be released and allowed on its way as the body turned in disgust at the first thought of the day.
Her.
A remarkable feeling of contempt for oneself as the realisation sets in casted bleak towers in the playground of the mind. The memory remembered the dream of the sleep.
And it would have warranted a slap. For if this was secret desire... I would commit suicide now. Good grief!
It was me and only her. I waited for her, exactly at the same place after tuition. (I'm feeling very sick now..this dream is really grossing me out) and I recalled in my dream, before that, I was walking there alone by myself. Now, I am not alone. I am with her. (She exists in reality and has a boyfriend and is not from AJC) and
(yeah please refrain from continuing.. it contains well, parts I never even wanted to dream of!)
I was so eager to be accepted. I was finally, accepted as she held my hands ( Yuckz!) and I looked into her eyes with such *shudder* adoration. And I hugged her so tightly and she returned the embrace. She was finally mine! ( Yikez this is getting sick but I'm trying to re-enact it) and I KISSED her. (ARGH! I'm going insane! This is so crappy!and sick!) She looked surprised but happy and as we walk along, we met a fren of hers and after the fren left, I swept her off her feet and kissed her again.. (Great *rolls eyes* I am not LESBIAN) She inhaled deeply, looking excited but calmed down as she said in her distinctive childish voice:" OH, haha! And I just made up my mind that you mustn't hug me or kiss me.." ( Somebody would remember that only too well) and I said.. Okay as I held her hand and walked away... thinking what she said sounded exactly like me as I thought of emerson.
What a dream! What a NIGHTMARE! Sheesh! I'm so embarassed! and really, every action I did with her is just sneering from my mind, even as I type.. every corner I see her.. and I'm going slowly mad. Wose is, Emerson was in the dream before that incident and when I got together with her, I knew I was steady with Emerson. Help! This isn't making any sense.. IT DOESN"T MAKE ANY SENSE! I need to commit suicide.. or erase this dream.. because I feel contemptable disgust for myself...
Well later for kicks, I dreamt my mum accidentally entered the guys' toilets at AJ six times. Really, she just kept forgetting and walking out of the girl's toilet to the guys until my dad and I just sat down and laugh at her.
Blogging in the morning makes you reveal your inner self. I'm going to school with a paperbag on my head..