Saturday, Aug. 21, 2004 - 3:22 a.m.
Maybe it is really time to let go...
I haven't been posting, have I?
Been studying? no.
So what have I busied my soul with?
Do I need to tell you then why I cut my hair? Its short, funky and everything I want. Little wonder why some guys find me as a threat.
But I don't brood. Its a waste of my time. I found that out long time ago that brooding leads me nowhere. It just heightens the fact I am unhappy with you.
And I can't believe I actually dupe myself into solacing my disturbed spirit that you are too busy to bother with me cos you have more impt things up your schedule than me. I don't demand your time. But to make myself happy, I try to make you happy. But, even that is losing its brillance. I can't keep giving and giving, without receiving...it is exhausting me, breaking me down.
You will never know how much time I have spent in the river... of course, would I tell you? You would only say I brood too much. And you get impatient with me... how can I possibly tell you what I'm going thru when I know everytime i tell you you get pissed.. and everytime I don't tell you you also get pissed.. I mean my idea of a r/s is not this.
And I feel quite oppressed and broken from this r/s. What once was sweet is slowly turning bitter.. and you insist I'm too jealous, I'm too brooding... but I don't really think it is working out. Its is beyond me to insist of your time cos I believe in the full maturity of your decisions.. but if it hurts me, I really must find the courage to walk away... becos up to now, I can't.
I simply can't.
Cos I care for you too much. Cos I always think of you but I try not to cos it hurts.
Now in school, we are complete strangers. Sure, u try to take time off to go out with me, but it still doesn't solve anything. You think that u make me happy by going out with me. Sure, the initial feels good but you only go out with me cos you feel obligated to spend time with your gf..actually your third one.. Scouts and your class reign fully in the realm.. I'm just an insignificant nobody. And once in awhile, you will remember I exist.
Oh cut the drama, if a gf can feel like that, it does say alot... I'm realli living on borrowed time.. I wish you were just as crazy for me as you were for Claire... how did I ever mess this one up? It really hurts when you see someone fall out of love with you...now I can emphatise rather than sympathise...
I'm realli being losing touch with reality over this until I have become a zombie... the first one is always the hardest to let go..and I fully believe it. I can't seem to walk away from this and its maddening to know I'm trapped in an abusive relationship.. and what hurts me is.. you don't care.
Yep, you don't care. You can't be bothered abt wasting your time with me, talking to me. You say calling me is a waste of time cos you prefer to talk to me face-to-face...funny how come we don't really talk much then face-to-face or even spend time with each other for that matter. We spend like a teeny fraction of the time you spend with scouts and soccer and I dunno whether you complain I waste your time. You don't say it but I get that oh so bad vibes...
Argh! If everyone thinks it is impossible, and you still don't care, I don't wanna be stuck in this godforsaken relationship anymore. And I can't believe I'm wasting precious time over this.. Its becos of this I'm getting disorientated and unable to study. I don't feel you support me anymore cos you are only thinking abt your scouts competition and your class. Well, I be damned if you think abt anything else. Okay fine..I know you are stressed over your studies.. so am I. I know I should give you time..or wadeva.. but I give up already...
Either you try fixing this or I won't try again. I feel stupid all the times I tried to make you happy and its killing me every waking moment to know I've wasted everything.
But you don't care and that what hurts the most. I don't want to go on like that.. I'm already so messed up for As I'm not gonna let this drag me down.
And yes. I regret ever going into a relationship with you. Cos I find I'm weaker from it all..
And if you can't cope pls don't hold on.. and try to salvage it.. I don't wanna kill you and drag you down the abyss with me.. and you got to do it..cos i can't cos i'm really really feeling downcasted.
I do love you. But if I do, i will let you go.
Hopefully I will find another mortal who can make me happy.
Maybe I have.