Saturday, Sept. 18, 2004 - 12:56 a.m.
I Shall
I haven't been faithful to my books.. the principles I wish to embody of strong-minded women..
I feel quite dastardly now as I sit here reminiscing about the old times, and my endeavours to follow what is right. True, they are too perfect and too good...but what is wrong from trying to model after them? Haha, society might rear its ugly head at me and say I am trying to follow its rules now. But society has changed into one where they celebrate the sowing of wild oats, where its cool and fashionable to live your vices because Man is weak and foolish.
I am now mortified at my weak behaviour, passionate and full of ennui. I seemed to have forgone something along my growing up, and I want it back now.
What have I've been perusing in those times I should be studying?
1) An Old-Fashioned Girl by Lousia May Alcott
2) Eight Cousins by Louisa May Alcott
3) Rose In Bloom by Louisa May Alcott
Indeed, personal favourites include 1) Pride and Prejudice 2) Gerald Durrell's Collections 3) Jane Eyre 4) Anne of Green Gables and the rest 5) The story of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Needless to say, I grew up in books which focused on strong-minded women with virtues that should be desired, well except for P&P and Gerald Durrell collections becos its on animals.
And have I ever tried to emulate them? There is nothing more than I desire except to seek God. But, I scorn at my shortcomings.
For I wish for more to embody the virtues I hold steadfast to my heart, that has been stirred from disuse and abandonment.
"Neither should it be for a woman, for we've got minds and souls as well as hearts, ambitions and talents as well as beauty and accomplishments; and we want to live and learn as well as love and be loved." Rose in Bloom Pg 10
And I would like to be able to win a praises as such
"Because your face shows what I admire more than its beauty- truth and courage."
"I was thinking Leigh Hunt was about right when he said, "A girl is the sweetest thing God ever made.'"
That would be my ultimate goal to work to, for a girl has to be confident and full of the right virtues to attain such praise from one worthy to give it.Indeed the words Simple in Duty, Steadfast in Virtue are words easy to utter, but difficult to perform. How many IJ girls can vouch for it?
And all these I hope for, so that I can truly respect myself.
And I'm sorry to say my views not fully respecting my race stems from I never grew up in an environment to fully enjoy them, where yes, I agree valour and honour is important for men, but for women, it borders on we must serve our men, which I thoroughly despise. Strong-minded women are not encouraged and I find that sorely repulsive. Oh yes, women, of course, should be genteel but in the Chinese context, it remains with serve your family, get married, serve your in-laws and have babies. That sure sums up what a woman should strive for, ultimate happiness.
Self-reliance and non-conformity.
Rose in Bloom really shaped my ideals and got me interested in the works of Emerson and Thoreau, making me ponder on the transcience of life. FOr I believe girls should possess such knowledge of poetry and essays so as to complete their accomplishments.
And it is a high expectation I own..but aim for the best and keep climbin if you want to get at it.
I admit I don't seek for academic achievements, because it is not really my field. I seek more to better knowledge tt can never be taught in school and find them where they can really be found.
Haha.. if you ask me who I really admire most in my fiction world I would say Mac. Yes, I know he is not a girl..but Mac really is what I would respect and love in a guy...and he is my ideal.. Yes, he has his faults, but what can he be compared to Mr Darcy and Mr Rochester or say, Gilbert Blythe? Perhaps to Almanzo Wilder..
But this is indeed one of the best statements I can ever hope to hear
"What have you decided to be Mac?"
"A man first, and a good one if possible. After that, what pleases God."
I mean that simple answer can't get anymore simpler..and its so tender that i can't really describe it.
And thats what I ultimately respect. I maybe a bit wee in love with the traditional knights and heroes of the past, but Mac is really the epitome of what I consider a guy. He would appeal as much as to Alex as to me, though he is the strong silent type too, for he is nerdish too.
But he can randomly reinforce his words with poetry and is so full of ambition and virtue. Indeed, they say a man must enjoy his vices and women should readily forgive them.
No.
Why should we be so blind so as to overlook their grievious faults?
But Mac stuck to what he believes in and holds on tight. I respect that in a guy, who has the integrity to be steadfast and believes in fidelity. So much so
Charlie:"Going in for perfection, are you?"
Mac:"Yes, I will think of it."
Charlie:"How will you begin?"
Mac:"Do my best all-roung--keep good company, read good books, love good things and cultivate soul and body as faithfully and wisely as I can."
Charlie:"And you expect to succeed,do you?"
Mac:"Please God, I will."
I wonder about this high expectation.
A drifting man has no roots to tie him in.
"I am nothing now, but everything is possible when one loves with all his heart and soul and strength. Rose, I will be your hero if a mortal man can, even though I have to work and wait for years. I'll make you love me, and be glad to do it. Don't be frightened. I've not lost my wits-I've just found them. I don't ask anything-I'll never speak of my hope, but its no use to stop me. I must try and I will succeed!"
An emphatic statement. One I bow in reverence to and exult in high esteem... but more so the fire driven by him in his spirit. Whether he betakes himself to study, think, observe or to even court, he does it with a passionate fire, which many don't possess, but rather achieve in a limpid languid manner.
I respect and admire a guy who throws his whole soul into achieving what he wants, who improves his mind with extensive reading, who is alive with fire and zeal. He has his virtues and is a gentleman. He is not frivolous but level-headed. He is contemplative and frank. He shows courage and embodies truth. I have not met any.. given i don't mix around much with guys, but perhaps one who is close to perfection but not.
I love Emerson.
And I shall achieve this.
Please God, I will.